Five Years Later

Well, it's over. My five years as an undergraduate student has come to an end and I can only write this "short" blog post about what I've learned, gained, and taken with me.

Friends
I have made a million friends at SUU. At one point I knew almost everyone (until I got to my fifth year and half of them graduated). I've been lucky enough to go to a University where friends and acquaintances become better friends and even friends for a life time. A quick shout out to a few who have been there for me since day one. Shannon and Marissa, my very first friends at SUU. I'm so grateful I met these two on move in day and became friends with them instantly. I totally still text them for boy advice all the time. Dani, another friend I met my first year and am able to go to with anything at any time. Mark, who quickly became one of my very best friends five years ago and don't know what I would do without, even though he doesn't claim me as a best friend (yet). There are many many more who have always and forever will be there for me and I'll be there for them.

Presidential Ambassadors
I joined this organization my third year, when I was at a low point in my leadership confidence and it was truly a blessing. It changed my life forever. Every year in the organization, I gained new family members. I got to see the influence I had on students as they made their decision in picking a University. I poured my heart, soul, and love for SUU into this organization and couldn't have imagined those three years any differently. I love each and every one of you guys.

Three Major Changes and A Minor Change
Picking something to major in was one of the harder things I've done in my life. I started as a Chemistry Major, and then decided to do Math sometime in my third year. The semester before my last, I changed my emphasis from Education to Pure. My minor also changed from Photography to Graphic Design. Even though it has been a journey and a pain in the peach emoji, it helped me find out what I wanted and who I really was. Don't ever think something is a waste, because no matter what, you learn something about yourself while doing it.

One Study Abroad and Alternative Break
Almost one year ago I got back from the biggest life changing trip of my life. As you all know, I went on an Africa study abroad and it changed everything for me. I've decided that I have a huge passion of serving while traveling and helping those in underdeveloped countries. Some people get ice cream or go home when they are in a rut, but I travel to do service. Am I in debt because of it? Basically, but the feeling of serving is by far one of the best feelings I've ever had. This passion led me to going on an Alternative Break during my last Spring Break of college. I went to Costa Rica and helped the poorest town in San Jose. Red Heart emoji times five. If you have the opportunity (which is everywhere at SUU) to do some sort of study abroad or travel, then do it! Especially when in school.

A Few Heartbreaks
A few from some boys, some from friends, not getting jobs or leadership positions, and one from leaving SUU of course. During these last five years, I've experienced heart break like never before. It hurts. A lot. But what I learned from each one of them is that it does get better, there are better people and opportunities FOR SURE. It's not the end of the world and I do heal a lot quicker now because of it. I wouldn't have it any other way.

A Degree
I know I sort of already talked about this, but I need to give a shout out to anyone who will be, is or ever was a Math Major. My fellow Mathematicians, I truly think we are idiots for putting ourselves through that, but we are the smartest and strongest people ever. (I really think it is the hardest thing/major in the world). Many tears, temper tantrums, late ELC nights, procrastination, calling mom, re-thinking life choices, yelling, and bothering classmates for help was put into that degree. Huge shout out to all my classmates who helped me pass every class. Another huge shout out to my calculator, Bud, for getting me through four years of high school and five years of college without dying a single time. You the real MVP and ILY.

A Home
Choosing to come to Southern Utah University was the greatest decision I've ever made. If I started over and did it all over again, I would choose SUU EVERY SINGLE TIME. Since I live eight hours away and only go home 1-2 times a year, SUU and Cedar City became my home and safe haven. I love the mountains and clean air. I love the nice people. I love Roberto's and Cafe Rio. I love the rain and snow (never fell once). I love Park Discovery and the concerts held there. I love all the free T-shirts and polos I've gotten. I love Cedar Hall North and ELC 112. I love a lot of things and will forever and ever.

Here's a picture from my first year of college, still tan from California, and the comparison to how white I've gotten while being in Cedar for five years. Cheers.

Five Years

You might have already heard but, let me just update you on my life really quick.

I'M GRADUATING THIS APRIL!!!

Why is this bigger news than usual? Well, let me tell you. I first came to SUU in Fall of 2011 as a Chemistry major. I soon developed a math minor and wasn't doing too great in Chemistry. This made me have to make the decision of what I should really major in. Long story short, I ended up in Mathematics with an emphasis in Education. So, here I am for the next three years going along as usual. Then, long story short again, I didn't have time to study enough for the test I needed to pass in order to student teach this month. My plan B failed as well so I was a wreck. Not passing this test meant that I would not be able to graduate in April, 2016 as planned. I would have to try to take the test again and pass it before Fall of 2016, when I would then student teach. This wasn't working for me. I was so close to finishing and I wasn't going to just sit around doing nothing for a semester. So, I decided to change my emphasis to Pure Mathematics. This meant that I could fit all of my remaining classes into one semester and finish! But wait, that's not the end of the story. The remaining classes I needed were as follows: Intro to Computer Science, Physics & Physics lab, Numerical Analysis, Complex Analysis, Actuarial Sciences. Have you ever tried to take that load on before? I wasn't about to try. So I decided that I would take everything except Physics & Physics lab this semester and plan on going as a part time student in the Fall. I was okay with this decision. 

*For the record, I feel absolutely wonderful about changing my emphasis and not teaching anymore. I don't feel regret or sadness. I was really nervous about teaching, and going to the high school every week last semester gave me anxiety. While I loved being in the classroom once I showed up, I never felt confident.* 

Now, here I am with two classes left to graduate and I get the idea of walking in April but technically not graduating until December after I finish those remaining classes. So I made an appointment with my advisor to see if this was possible. She is new to SUU so she was messaging some other advisors to try to answer my questions. It wasn't looking good. They were all saying that I could walk but technically would not be put on the program or anything until the following academic year. Then, my old advisor of four years walks in and says something like, "let's try all these different things and get you to graduate." We looked at all of the following things: taking the class in the summer so it would be this years academic year, changing my catalog year, and switching around some courses/switching out some courses for similar ones. We found out that the Physics classes are no longer required in the new catalogs; so we decided to ask the head of the Math department if he would waive that class completely or switch it out for another physical science class that I have already taken. He agreed!!! Therefore, the only classes I need to graduate now are the current ones I'm taking! (side note, the head of the Math department also switched out Complex for another class so I wouldn't have to wait another entire year to graduate) So, if I pass my classes this semester, I will be officially, real life, for reals, one hundred percent graduating this Spring, April of 2016!!!

Southern Utah University is super awesome and I would in no way be graduating right now if I was not currently attending this amazing university. The advisors, professors and staff do everything they can to get you what is best for you. 

Here is another quick side story: I decided to take another art class (because I'm a Graphic Design minor) in order to build my portfolio but, the only class that would fit into my schedule was Special Problems. The requirement to take this class was that you were in the BFA program. Since I am only a minor, I never had to apply and be accepted into the program. So, I emailed the professor and told him I simply wanted more pieces for my portfolio and asked to be signed into the class. He had never met me before and had no idea who I was. Other professors were even willing to give recommendations to him for me! He quickly emailed me back and said he would sign me in! When I went to his office to get the paper signed, we talked for a good half hour about future careers for Graphic Designers and Mathematicians combined. It blew my mind how easy it was to get into the class and how nice all the professors were about it.

Yes, it has taken my five years to graduate and I never thought I actually would. Do I wish I could have graduated last year? No. Do I feel like a loser being a fifth year? Sometimes, to be honest. Would I change anything? Absolutely not. Here is a list of things that have changed my life every year while being here at SUU that I wouldn't have had at any other university.

1. Have the best year of college by far and make my first ever life long close friendships with handfuls of individuals.

2. Grow immensely as a person through trials, examples of friends, finding myself and pushing through the hard times. [Growing Up]

3. Join the Presidential Ambassador organization and gain three years worth of friends and family for a lifetime.

4. Fulfill my life dream of going to Africa and taking pictures of lions + meet five people that have absolutely made a difference in my life.

5. Learning to care about myself more and what I need as well as what makes me feel happy. Discovered that serving others is an important part of life and makes me feel good. Spontaneously signed up to volunteer in Costa Rica to make other people feel good. And who knows what is in store for the next three months!

 

I Am Me.

A lot has been going on in my life lately, and a big part of that are the changes I've made. Unfortunately, I'm not entirely ready to talk about it yet.

What I will talk about is how the start of my fifth year of college has not been easy. Almost all of my close friends have graduated by now or moved onto something bigger and greater, outside of Cedar City. That seems to happen after four years of school, go figure. I was extremely nervous about this year for that very reason, and my fear did in fact become reality. FYI, I hate pity. Continuing, I have found that the phrase "jack of all trades, but master of none" has become my life in relation to friendships. I have a plethora of friends and know a lot of people but I feel as if I only have a few who I can count on as real friends. (This post is purely about my current relationships in Cedar City). I don't mean to make people feel bad, criticize people, throw a pity party, or change the way people think of me. I am simply expressing how I feel. I'm tired of inviting myself into group parties or hang outs or asking everyone what they are doing, constantly. I feel like a lost puppy following people who don't want me there. I'm tired of people telling me I'm always invited or welcome but am never invited. It's no one's fault, really. I understand that no one really thinks to invite everyone. Gatherings, hang outs and parties just seem to happen in college without any planning. But isn't that the whole point of friendship? If you really have friends, shouldn't they think to invite you to things? Shouldn't you hang out with them on a regular basis? Maybe that's just my definition of a friend. Maybe I'm being really harsh and blowing it all out of the water. I'm going to be honest in saying that I've cried many times this semester because being alone sucks. Thinking that you don't have any friends sucks. Being an adult sucks.

But then, realizing that you do (even if a small number) have people that are ALWAYS there for you, rocks. In May, not only did I go on a trip that changed my life, but I met a group of people that changed my life. I could have not asked for a better group to go with. My Africa group is my family and support and I will always have them. We only hang out every once in a while but when we do, it is a huge relief. To have people fully accept the exact person you are and love you for it is possibly the greatest feeling I have ever felt. Aside from my Africa buds, I have a few select who have been there for me through every year I've been at SUU. I'm truly grateful for them, and one of them recently reminded me of something.

This week during those times I have felt unwanted, unloved, afraid and alone, I have truly felt that I need to change who I am to have friends. I thought it was me that needed to change so people wanted to hang out with me and invite me to things. I was wrong in thinking that. I hope I never think I have to change who I am as a person ever again. Of course I will still have those thoughts previously mentioned when someone comes up to me and asks why I wasn't at the party and my response is that I wasn't invited. Or when I see snapchats of everyone hanging out and my snap chats are of Netflix. But WHO CARES. Let me say that again. WHO FREAKING CARES. There ARE people who love me. There ARE people who care about me deeply. There ARE people who accept me completely and fully as I am. There ARE people who are my friends.

A message to me: I am talented. I am beautiful. I'm smart, and beyond that, intelligent. I'm going places in the world that I can't even imagine right now. There are people who I need to inspire, uplift and help. I have a good heart and mind. I'm a loyal friend. I have integrity and never lie. I try to be better everyday. I need help sometimes, but that's OKAY. I've gone through some serious tough times but only get STRONGER. I have a full life ahead of me, no matter what I decided to do at this moment. I am me.

And a message to you: God made you as you are and you shouldn't change that. I love who you are and I'm your friend as cheesy as that sounds. Write a message to yourself of all the great things about you.

Again, I did not write this post for pity or anything of the sort. I just simply needed to say it.
Thank you Emily for our talk today. Thank you Dani for our talk yesterday. Thank you Mark for our constant talks.

Also, watch this video because it's great.

Judgement

This post is going to be similar to one I wrote almost three years ago here. My opinions since then have both changed and stayed the same. Utah has become my second home and I love the people I have met here. This year I was super nervous about starting school because almost all of my friends have graduated or moved on with their lives. Tomorrow is the last day of summer before school begins and this past week has been an absolute blast! I have met tons of new friends and probably did more activities and hung out with more people than I did all summer. This is not what I'm going to write about, however.

Mormons. Everyone has some idea of what we are, what we do and what we stand for. Members also have their own opinions about things within the gospel. We belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and believe in the Bible as well as the Book of Mormon which is another testament of Christ. If you want to know more about us, you can find out here. Most of the time, I don't talk about the church too much because I don't want to say anything wrong and am terrified of what others will think.

Tonight I found out that several different people didn't think I was LDS (Mormon). At first I brushed it off but then I thought about it more and realized that it actually makes me upset and offended. I have no idea why they thought this because the first few times I hung out with them I wore appropriate clothes, had clean language, and didn't think I did anything out of the ordinary. I have two ear piercings instead of one, but I didn't think that was a deal breaker to thinking someone was or wasn't LDS. Anyways, I left the group of friends and had a little break down when I got home because people thought I wasn't LDS. Why did they think that? What did I do to make them think that? How do I carry myself around others? Plenty of negative thoughts went through my head. It is true that I haven't been to church almost all summer because of a trial I have been going through this entire year, but they couldn't have known that. So now I have no idea how to act around them or anyone for that matter, my self confidence went down 100%, I'm bummed about finding friends again, etc. It almost, for a second, made me not want to go to church tomorrow, which I was planning on doing for the first time in about a month. It seems silly, just because a few people thought I wasn't LDS, how upset I got, but is it? I didn't think I was an awful person and I'm sure others don't either. There are plenty of things I need to work on, but I never thought someone would actually have the thought or wonder if I wasn't LDS.

Moroni 7:48 says "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen." I almost always interpret scripture wrong, so I won't go into this too much but basically all I'm trying to say is that the LDS church and it's members emphasize being like Christ a ton. With that being said, some of the nicest people I have ever met are Mormon as well as some of the most judgmental people I have met. If you affiliate yourself with the LDS church, all I ask is that we try to be more Christ-like, assume less, and judge less of others. Even if you are not LDS, what you say and/or assume can hurt a person's feelings even if you may think otherwise. Be aware of what you say to others and always try to be a better you.