I Am Me.

A lot has been going on in my life lately, and a big part of that are the changes I've made. Unfortunately, I'm not entirely ready to talk about it yet.

What I will talk about is how the start of my fifth year of college has not been easy. Almost all of my close friends have graduated by now or moved onto something bigger and greater, outside of Cedar City. That seems to happen after four years of school, go figure. I was extremely nervous about this year for that very reason, and my fear did in fact become reality. FYI, I hate pity. Continuing, I have found that the phrase "jack of all trades, but master of none" has become my life in relation to friendships. I have a plethora of friends and know a lot of people but I feel as if I only have a few who I can count on as real friends. (This post is purely about my current relationships in Cedar City). I don't mean to make people feel bad, criticize people, throw a pity party, or change the way people think of me. I am simply expressing how I feel. I'm tired of inviting myself into group parties or hang outs or asking everyone what they are doing, constantly. I feel like a lost puppy following people who don't want me there. I'm tired of people telling me I'm always invited or welcome but am never invited. It's no one's fault, really. I understand that no one really thinks to invite everyone. Gatherings, hang outs and parties just seem to happen in college without any planning. But isn't that the whole point of friendship? If you really have friends, shouldn't they think to invite you to things? Shouldn't you hang out with them on a regular basis? Maybe that's just my definition of a friend. Maybe I'm being really harsh and blowing it all out of the water. I'm going to be honest in saying that I've cried many times this semester because being alone sucks. Thinking that you don't have any friends sucks. Being an adult sucks.

But then, realizing that you do (even if a small number) have people that are ALWAYS there for you, rocks. In May, not only did I go on a trip that changed my life, but I met a group of people that changed my life. I could have not asked for a better group to go with. My Africa group is my family and support and I will always have them. We only hang out every once in a while but when we do, it is a huge relief. To have people fully accept the exact person you are and love you for it is possibly the greatest feeling I have ever felt. Aside from my Africa buds, I have a few select who have been there for me through every year I've been at SUU. I'm truly grateful for them, and one of them recently reminded me of something.

This week during those times I have felt unwanted, unloved, afraid and alone, I have truly felt that I need to change who I am to have friends. I thought it was me that needed to change so people wanted to hang out with me and invite me to things. I was wrong in thinking that. I hope I never think I have to change who I am as a person ever again. Of course I will still have those thoughts previously mentioned when someone comes up to me and asks why I wasn't at the party and my response is that I wasn't invited. Or when I see snapchats of everyone hanging out and my snap chats are of Netflix. But WHO CARES. Let me say that again. WHO FREAKING CARES. There ARE people who love me. There ARE people who care about me deeply. There ARE people who accept me completely and fully as I am. There ARE people who are my friends.

A message to me: I am talented. I am beautiful. I'm smart, and beyond that, intelligent. I'm going places in the world that I can't even imagine right now. There are people who I need to inspire, uplift and help. I have a good heart and mind. I'm a loyal friend. I have integrity and never lie. I try to be better everyday. I need help sometimes, but that's OKAY. I've gone through some serious tough times but only get STRONGER. I have a full life ahead of me, no matter what I decided to do at this moment. I am me.

And a message to you: God made you as you are and you shouldn't change that. I love who you are and I'm your friend as cheesy as that sounds. Write a message to yourself of all the great things about you.

Again, I did not write this post for pity or anything of the sort. I just simply needed to say it.
Thank you Emily for our talk today. Thank you Dani for our talk yesterday. Thank you Mark for our constant talks.

Also, watch this video because it's great.