So let me begin. I've learned a lot about myself. What an adventure this has been. I guess we are always "finding ourselves." That's what life is all about, but this year was different. I learned that I'm human and I have a breaking point. I never thought I would reach that point and was beginning to think I didn't have a breaking point. But I do, and boy did I reach it. But before I reached it, I learned about my strength. I learned how strong of a person I am and how much I can be stretched before I break. Because of how far I was stretched, I was able to reflect on how much I have been put through in the past and how fast I've had to grow up because of it. I've learned that I'm a lot more grown up than a 20 year old should be, but that's the way things are. Sometimes our responsibilities and life lessons come to us earlier than others. And we have to deal with that. I've learned that I can and was ready to deal with it.
I've also learned that I stress myself out. It's the little things that I stress about. And the big things. I stress about it all and I really don't need to. You know how people say "she creates drama," or "some people just always have to have attention." Well I think I create stress for myself because I have to have it. This is such a bad thing for me. Just today, I literally caught myself creating stress. It's one of my new year resolutions to not stress so much and it's the hardest one on the list. I just can't be so carefree like some people but I'm trying so hard. And people always remind me that I'm doing it to myself. One night, last semester, I was stressing about everything. I will always remember this night because I literally thought I was going to die because of the stress. I called my mom and when she answered I didn't even know what to say. I just wanted her to calm me down. I immediately started crying. The main stress was from picking a life path. It's one of the biggest decisions someone makes in their life. And I made the mistake of calling my mom because she usually just stresses me out more but she's the one person I can always go to. The point of this is that I was crying to the point where I could hardly breathe and was getting dizzy because of the lack of oxygen. It was awful and all my mom kept saying was "you're stressing yourself out." The last thing she said to me on the phone was "don't make more stress for yourself." That's when it really hit me that I need to stop. Now of course everything that is stressful for me is not self inflicted but some of the extra things are. Anywho, I got carried away with that one, but I learned that I stress myself out.
I've learned what a true friend really means. On so many different levels and in different ways I learned what a true friend really means. The first being from Mark. To save some writing time, the reason he has taught me what a true friend really is, would be found in this post. It took a few months and it was very subtle but I finally realized why I connected with him so well and why he's such a good friend. The second being from my roommates. I love that Megan will let me talk to her and tell her the same stupid stories over and over because it makes me feel better. And she makes up amazing stories about my future husband that I hope will come true someday. I love that Robertson will pick me up from a carnival because I was crying and let me yell and scream and cuss because I needed to. I love that at 1:00 in the morning when she is about to go to bed and it's balls cold outside, Robertson will drive with me and just hold my hand and then say a prayer in the car. Because as much as I didn't want it, I needed it. I love that Dani, even though she is on a mission and knows nothing that is going on in my life, will say exactly the right thing. I love that Dani will let me pour out my feeling to her even though she is on a mission and doesn't need to hear any of it. I love that Kaleigh....Kaleigh, on another whole level will do so much for me. I will call her and she immediately, without me saying too much, asks if I need to go on a drive. She will drop whatever she is doing just to talk to me or give me a hug because she knows something is wrong. She will vacuum our carpets with her hands with me while we just let out our feelings. She will jump on my bed every Saturday morning so I get up. She will be late to class so I can talk to her on the phone while I'm crying on the bathroom floor in the GC building. And one last way, the third way being from old friends. The first people I met in the dorms at SUU. Shannon and Marissa. They've always been there for me. Even if I haven't talked to them in months and I randomly send a group message to them telling them what's going on, they are right there for me. They know a lot of what I've been through, especially at SUU, and they just listen to me and let me talk and talk for days. I probably have worn out my welcome at their house a few times but they let me do it anyways. And when I'm pissed off and stranded in the laundry room, the only person that answers their phone would be Shannon. And when something that is so small, but seems so big to me happens, the only person to text back would be Marissa. Somehow, they are always there to answer my cry for help. I'm not going to explain to you what a true friend really means, because someday you'll find out for yourself. And hopefully it is because you've met people that are as amazing as my friends.
I've learned how hard it is to pick a career for the rest of your life. This goes hand in hand with learning about myself. My entire second year of college was all about me picking and deciding my major. In the fall I was a chemistry major and finally got into my gen chem class. By the end of the fall semester, I decided I didn't like chemistry as much as I thought I did and made the decision to change my major. My mom gave me a deadline, which was to pick my new major by the end of spring semester. Five months was all I had. I had countless meetings with career counselors and was rushing to pick a major. I jumped into some courses for the spring, hoping I would like one of them and of course it backfired. The story about the night I called my mom and thought I was going to die was because it was midway through the spring semester and I was just tired and burned out from going back and forth between possible majors. The deadline wasn't helping either. And this chapter ends with the success of me declaring my major as a math education major. Do I know if it is the right path for me? No. But I took a chance and just hope it works out. Part of me did it because I just was done with everything. A lot of the decisions I made in the last month of school were just because I was tired of it all and wanted it out of my head. I made smart decisions though. Decisions I'm happy with.
I've learned that things do get better and you can always start over. During the spring semester, I was just falling apart. I didn't know what major to chose, what I was doing in the summer, I couldn't get a job, I was thinking about a mission, I was thinking about moving home for a semester, I didn't get a SUUSA job after working with them for two years, and the list kept going. Nothing was going right for me and I had run out of prayers and hope. I had applied for a Presidential Ambassador position the same day I applied for the SUUSA director. When I applied, it was last minute and I didn't think it was a very good application because I was banking on the director position. When I found out I didn't get the director position, which was beyond shocking, I thought it was over. It almost pushed me over the edge with everything else that was going on that semester. In the back of my head I knew I had one last sliver of hope which was PAs. But I wasn't getting my hopes up because of how bad my application was. Then Weston called me and wanted an interview. I was really excited but didn't let my expectations get very high. And then the phone call happened. I was rock climbing one night, trying to get my mind off of everything that was going on and Weston calls me. I literally jumped for joy but composed myself and answered calmly. The conversation went a little like this:
Me: Hello
Weston: Melissa! How are you?
Me: I'm doing great! Just doing some rock climbing, how are you?
Weston: Fantastic! Hey, I just wanted to ask you a quick question.
*At this point I really calmed down and thought he wasn't even calling about the PAs, he was just asking a question about something else*
Me: okay, whats up?
Weston: Well....in my phone, I have you as "SUUSA Melissa." How would you feel if I changed that to "PA Melissa?"
Me: Shut up. You're kidding. I'm a PA? Shut up.
And so the conversation continued.
Let me just tell you how grateful I am for Weston, all of the Ambassadors, that phone call, that night, this opportunity, and this chance to start over. I was filled with overwhelming joy because it was finally good news. And from there, I decided to move out of my apartment and live with complete strangers. I don't know if this is good or bad yet but I've decided to start over. Things get better and you can always start over.
Life. It's a funny thing isn't it? The lessons we can learn in one school year? And maybe they aren't lessons but realizations. Maybe those two words are the same thing but realizations have been there from the beginning. They've always been there but just take a while to dig up. This year will go down in the books as the year that I learned a whole lot. I grew as a person, and saying that I grew as a person is an understatement if anything. I love the realizations I had. I love the lessons I learned. I love the memories I made. I love the people that carried me through it all. I loved my sophomore year of college. I love my life. These are the moments I live for.
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