Okay so Boss just told me that I haven't blogged in a month and then I thought that maybe I should blog about everything that has happened in the past week and a half. I definitely reached my breaking point. And because of that, I turned to the priesthood twice. I usually don't like asking for blessing too often because I feel like I don't need it as badly as other might but I have learned this past week that the boys really want me to ask them and you can never have too many blessings. So, let me start with some background.
Last weekend me and some of my friends went to St George to go to Elder Holland's YSA Fireside. We had a lot of fun hiking and swimming and just hanging out with a bunch of our friends. Saturday night we had a ton of people over at the house we were staying at but it got too much to handle so everyone left. Late into the night I got to talking to some of my closest friends about the church, my testimony, and my future. I mainly talked about the my testimony and what I don't have a testimony of. There was a lot of crying and I definitely felt an overwhelming love from my friends. They shared their personal stories about how they have gained their testimonies. We also talked about getting a blessing and they all said I should get one as soon as I could. I first asked one of my friends but he answered me in the morning and said he was unable to. I was at a loss because I felt like I needed one ASAP and all my close friends were on missions. (I wanted it from a close friend because I had never had a blessing from one before and felt like my testimony would grow from that itself. If that makes sense..) So then I asked my friend Mark. He said after the fireside that night he would absolutely give me one.
Sunday was probably one of the best days I've had in a long time. Sunday morning I went to Mark's YSA ward with Kaleigh, Boss and my cousin. It was a convert Sunday basically, so some converts of the church spoke. The spirit was really strong and I got a lot from reading the scriptures during the sacrament, listening to the special music number and listening to the convert's stories. We only went to sacrament and then went home and just hung out until we went to the fireside. The fireside was amazing. It was the first time I had been in the room with a general authority ever. It doesn't really hit you until you watch the fireside online and tell yourself that you were there! Elder Holland is my favorite Apostle (partially because I'm related to him) but also because I think he has a special way of speaking to the youth. In his talk he gave a blessing to all the youth. Some things that stood out to me were "I bless you...to have you know that He loves you...that your fears will be lifted...to be friends with the savior of the world and to feel confident in his company."
*side note: before this weekend, I had been having a lot of troubles with things going on with my life. On Saturday, my car broke down again and I seriously did not know where I would get the money to fix it. I also was struggling with school because I had just got done with summer school and hardly had a break. Things kept piling on top of one another and were not getting better, only worse. If it wasn't my car it was not getting a job (30+ I had applied to). If it wasn't the job it was my eye virus. If it was that, it was another thing. I was almost getting to my breaking point but somehow I was still sane.*
Back to Sunday: The things Elder Holland blessed us all with meant something to me. I really loved it. So then after the fireside Mark came over to the house we were staying at. We went into a room and I invited Kaleigh to sit in on the blessing. I asked Mark if he needed to know anything and all he asked was what my full name was. He didn't ask what I needed the blessing for, how I wanted a blessing to help me, or what was going on. I secretly didn't want to tell him and I think if you've ever gotten this kind of blessing before you know why. (a testimony builder sort of) So anyways, he proceeded to give me the blessing. I've never had the feeling where you can't tell someone how you feel before. It was an indescribable feeling. In the blessing, Mark said something along the lines of "your testimony will be strengthened by your friends and you will strengthen theirs through your testimony." I immediately started tearing up. How could someone who was not there last night when we talked about testimonies know that that is EXACTLY what I needed to hear? I'll tell you how. Through the power of God. This was a testimony builder (not to mention that Mark is my friend so his blessing already came true right when he started the blessing). Mark had no clue what was going on and there were so many things he said in the blessing that were going on with me and it was all answered and solved at that moment. The priesthood amazes me and that's why I love this church so much. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true and I will never deny that. There is no way that I could ever deny that statement. So I continue with saying that that was the best blessing I had been given. Period. Thank you so much Mark. You really don't understand how thankful I am that you hold the priesthood and are worthy to hold it and give blessings. And that ends my favorite Sunday, hands down.
So then the week continues. The only thing that changed was that I prayed more often and thanked Heavenly Father for more things. I also read my scriptures every night, went to my institute classes, and read my patriarchal blessing. So, we went home and back to school. All week I went to school, then to the library to study for chemistry. My entire week was the same schedule. School, institute, library, home to eat and sleep then repeat. I honestly studied chemistry until my brain was fried. I don't even know how I did it. I had a chem test and calc 3 quiz on Friday. I didn't even look at any of my other homework or study anything else. Thursday night I stayed at the library until it closed at 12 AM and then went home and studied for another hour and a half. Friday morning came and I took my clac 3 quiz which I have mixed feelings about. I had an hour before my chem test so I went to the library and studied some more. I took my chem test and then looked at the answers because my teacher had the answers after you turned in your test. I got a lot of them wrong. On the way home I began to cry because I just didn't understand any of it. How could I study 24/7 and NOT do good on the test? I still don't have the answer to that. So I came home pissed and teary eyed. Shortly after I got home I got a call from the job I had applied to. I already knew what they would say (basically because this day was crap). They told me the same thing everyone else says: You were a wonderful applicant, you had all the skills and qualifications and we love that you applied but we gave the job to someone else. I went inside, screamed and started to cry. I sat on my bed for about 30 minutes in silence, literally not knowing what to do with myself. What else could go wrong? Why did I ask that stupid question. Dani came in the room only to find me sitting on my bed with tears in my eyes. Surprise Dani! She just hugged me for a long time. I honestly didn't know what to say to her. I can't explain how empty my mind was. I didn't want to talk or even think about anything at that moment. Later that night a few of us went to Walmart. We drove up in the parking lot with the windows down and wind blowing in our hair. Then Mason says, "the window won't roll up." FAN FREAKING TASTIC. (PS, remember my car broke down last weekend? well I drove back to St George on Monday and paid $700 to get Mac fixed. $700 I don't have.) So great, Mac breaks again. World record for most money spent on fixing a car. Well, here is where I reached my breaking point. I didn't say many words. Just did my shopping at Walmart, drove everyone home, tried to fix the window for a little bit then walked in the house. I went to get a drink in the kitchen and then I snapped. I started crying, maybe said a bad word and hit the counter. How could I be doing everything right yet everything goes wrong? I said my prayers and thanked HF for everything. I read my scriptures. I fasted on Sunday's. I took the sacrament. I had a desire to learn about the gospel. I am worthy to go to the temple. I go to church and institute. I help myself before I ask God for help. I do all these good things but all these bad things happen to me. At that moment, I literally hated my life. That's a really negative thing to do and say, but I did reach my breaking point. Kaleigh was next to me when this happened and she just comforted me and asked me what was wrong. I said some words but then just hugged Kay and Dani for a good 5 minutes and cried. I needed another blessing now.
I called two different people but they weren't answering and I seriously didn't know anyone in Cedar that could give me a blessing because all my friends are on missions. Boss came in and said that Mason could give me one. She called him and he came back to our house. He asked some things about what was going on so I told him. He then told me that Heaven would be really close tonight. I closed my eyes and he placed his hands on my head. In his blessing he said something along the lines of "your trials won't stop but your burdens will be lifted. You will have strength to overcome things. You will come to know that Heavenly Father will be closer than ever to you right now. He is with you and loves you very much." I honestly don't remember much about it because I was emotionally and spiritually drained already. I do remember crying an insane amount of tears because I felt Heavenly Father sitting right next to me telling Mason what to say. It might sound crazy but He was there. The rest of the night consisted of two more blessings given to Dani and Court and a bunch of questions answered by Mason. It was a good spiritual night. I just really remember being spiritually drained to the point where it was hard to stand up. I also went in my room to blow my nose and instantly felt Heavenly Father in the room. It was creepy but comforting. I can't explain, once again how I felt after the blessing or when I walked into my room but I know it was the spirit.
All I am going to say now is that I have a testimony of the priesthood without a doubt. The power of the priesthood comes from God and through God, those amazing worthy boys were able to give me a blessing. A blessing of what I needed to hear at that moment. Not only was it what I needed to hear but what I needed. I know that my Heavenly Father will be with me this school year and I will be closer to him than I have ever been before. I think this semester will change my life for the better. Things may be awful right now but I am surrounded by a Heavenly Father who loves me, watches over me and has a perfect plan for me. I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing.
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