When I Can Breathe.

WARNING: I don't mean to offend anyone at all, especially people who live or have grown up in Utah. If you get offended easily I suggest you don't read this. And if you do read this, let me state one rule: DON'T JUDGE.

So here I go, hoping I don't get into trouble with this post.

My friend Robert came over last night and it was amazing. We had a small Joseph Gordon-Levitt movie marathon-ish thing and watched 50/50 and Inception. After that we talked for what turned out to be 2 1/2 ish hours. We talked about MANY things ranging from my guy situations in the past to LDS people who grew up in Utah and people who didn't. I think the whole "Utah bubble" thing was the main thing we talked about.

I'm really scared to proceed with this post but let me clarify right now that I have several close friends who are from Utah and love them very much so I am not against Utah people.

So, Robert and I had this really great conversation about people who live in Utah. I brought up the fact that Utah lives in a bubble and I know this because I have caught myself in the bubble a few times. If you aren't sure if you are in the bubble or not, you probably are. It's pretty easy to get into.

Here is an example: The other day I saw something on facebook that someone from back home said/did (I can't remember). I remember saying to myself "I can't believe he/she did/said that!!" And then the "Utah bubble" realization came into play. I then said "what am I saying? I CAN believe this because this is the real world and it's "normal."

Being in Utah for almost a year has changed me, some for the better some for the worse. The better is that my testimony (my self-developed, not influenced by what other people "know" testimony) has grown a bit. The worse is that I have slowly started to view people from other places (aka, non-members) differently.

Before I lived in Utah, I lived in Southern California for 18 years. I grew up around almost 99.9% non-members. There was one girl my age and one girl older than me. I was closest to these two girls (when talking about only members). Other than those two girls, I had a non-member, very catholic best friend. To this day, she is still my VERY BEST NUMBER ONE friend. Of course I would love it if she were mormon so I could talk about church things with her but other than that I am 90% happy that she is not mormon. I can be my REAL self around her. If a cuss word or two slip out from me, she doesn't even twitch. She doesn't care about it at all. If I wear a tank top or short shorts around her she says "that's cute!" I can gossip all I want with her and she will gossip with me and give me advice, etc. I have never felt judged by her. Ever. Not even for the weird mormon things I do.

This brings me to the part where I hope I don't offend anyone. Recently, I have felt like I can't breath in Utah. I feel like I am judged for every little thing I do. What I wear, what I say, what church event I don't go to. So when I went back to California for a week it felt so good to breathe. I could wear and say what I wanted and no one cared. They cared about the person I was rather than the person I looked like. I am so grateful for the place I grew up. I have gained my own personal testimony without being pressured or influenced by any other members to the point where I HAD to have a certain testimony.

PAUSE: You might be thinking "well you don't know, you didn't grow up in Utah." This is correct but I did have a conversation with Robert who DID grow up in Utah and he agreed quite a bit with everything I said.

PLAY: Now, my closest friends from Utah: Confession, I do feel like I can't be my complete self around you all the time because I feel pressured to be a perfect mormon. I know you guys love me but it would be nice to know that you don't judge me or won't judge me for slipping out a cuss word or wearing my California clothes. I just want to know that I am able to breathe easily around you guys. There has only been a few times where I have felt unworthy to be your guy's friend but I don't want there to be any time where that happens. I love you guys so much, please don't feel like I'm saying anything bad about you because I'm not. I just want to be accepted as who I am as a person and not by what I wear or what fire sides I attend. I am also not saying at all that you guys judge me because I don't think you do, I just feel like that sometimes. Also, please let me know if you are/aren't offended by this because I mean no harm. I am very lucky to have met you guys and love being your friend. I came to Cedar for a reason and I think one of those reasons was to meet you guys and become your friend.

There is so much more to say but I feel like I will really get into trouble by this and I don't want to because I seriously mean no harm what so ever. I just want to express how I feel.

Which brings me to my next point. I'm tired of not being able to breathe in Utah so from now on I am going to be myself. If people judge me, so be it. You don't have to be my friend but just know that you are missing out on a great person who has a great personality. Even though I wear short shorts and some shirts without sleeves, I'm still a person with a personality that you should get to know.

Word of advice to everyone in this world: Don't fail to get to know a person because of one thing they do. For example, if they smoke, drink a little, aren't the same religion as you, have different political views, wear strange clothes, etc. Have a conversation with them and make your own opinion of a person. Some people ask me how I know so many people and I think it is because I try to judge as least as possible. In high school, I was friends with every type of person. I was friends with those who skated and smoked weed, I was friends with those who went to parties every weekend, I was friends with all the sports people, I was friends with the drama club, etc. They are all amazing people and I've learned something from all of them. I don't care if they drink on the weekends or don't. I like being their friend. That doesn't mean I have to drink with them or be around them when they do but I can still be their friend.

In conclusion, I'm very impressed if you made it to this point. Once again, I hope I didn't offend anyone but I feel like I can breathe now and I'm still in Utah! If you did get offended then come to me and talk to me. Message me on facebook, text me, call me. Just don't leave an anonymous comment because I'm afraid I can't help you that way. Thanks for listening!