Tough Times

These past two weeks have been pretty rough ranging from emotions to school. I have a lot going on in my mind right now and it probably won't all get put here just because I can't comprehend it all.


A lot of it is that I have been feeling like I annoy people or cause trouble, etc. I have a lot of insecurities all of a sudden, like people don't like me or don't want to be around me. I don't know why i feel like this all of a sudden. I have some guesses but other than that it is mostly just random. So if some days I seem really down in the dumps that could be why. I will just shut up and sit there or just lock myself in my room if I am feeling like I am annoying to people. I hope this is all just something in my head.


There is so much more I could say about that but I'll spare you.


School has been hard. I spend a lot of my weekends doing calculus and almost every Monday in the tutoring center. I have started a trend here at school and I think it started in high school with seminary. I have this thing where I miss one class at least once a week. In seminary it was almost every thursday i would miss. In calculus last semester I would miss at least once a week but it wouldn't be a big deal because I knew most of the material from high school. This semester isn't as bad as last but I still miss all the optional days which is every thursday, and on occasion another week day. I try really hard not to but I just have no drive to go. It does hurt me because Calc 2 is WAY harder than Calc 1.
Art is kicking my butt. I think I set the bar too high for myself on the first project and now Dr. Strange has high expectations. My last project really got me upset. I had a vision in my head and then on Sunday (the day before it was due) I changed my mind and my medium. I switched form charcoal to paint. The project came out pretty much nothing like I had envisioned it. Oh well. This next project should be better because I am using my photography and photoshop which I am much better at for the most part.
The gym is also kicking my butt. I had this goal to get in shape and look good and everything for spring break. Then I ran out of pills and were off them for a good solid month. What a horrible thing. Seriously. My pills give me energy to do things (basically everything) so this whole month, basically semester hasn't been all that great because I haven't had a drive to do anything. I will get the occasional drive to get everything done in one day but other than that I'm just lazy and in a horrible mood. So back to the gym kicking my butt...I have to go because I am in the class but lately I have just gone and walked around and pick up a few weights or do a few squats. At the beginning of the semester I would run for 10 minutes, lift weights for 10, do legs for 10 and abs for 20. I would spend about an hour at the gym and I felt good about it. But now I spend 30 minutes, just enough to get credit, and leave. So much for my spring break goal.


I can't decide if I am excited for spring break or not. For the most part I am but I have no idea what will happen. The plan is to spend a few days at Tommy's house near LA, then a few days in San Diego then the last few days at my house. Right now it is just me and Kaleigh going and we are dropping her sister off in San Diego somewhere. I'm excited for the car ride because I know it will be super fun. I don't know how Tommy's house will be or the beach. I want to have a bonfire on the beach but it will only be me and Kaleigh...I am VERY excited to go home. I've only been home twice since school started in August. I'm very jealous for those (aka Danny B) who go home every weekend or at least once a month. I'm not sure they realize how lucky they are. It was my decision to come to SUU and be eight hours from home. I made that decision because 1) California sucks for all reasons except my family lives there, the sun and the attractions. 2) I knew that I could be away from my family and be fine for the most part. 3) I didn't want to be one of those kids that goes home all the time and is basically a kid that lives at home but goes to school somewhere else. Of course it would be nice to go home on the weekends and who doesn't miss their family? Ever since Christmas break, I have been a lot more home sick than I was the first semester. I will see my family for about three days over spring break then I won't see them until the summer. I think I have decided I will go home for a while over the summer because I am home sick. But I can only handle being home for so long.


Over the summer I have to take a Biology class somewhere and get a full time job. Both are things I have never done before. 1) have a full time job and 2) take summer classes. Taking college classes in the Imperal Valley is usually not a good idea but it is what I have to do. I will probably learn nothing. Also during the summer, my best friend Lexi will only be home for about 2 weeks. It sucks being home for the summer when you are in college because when you go home you have no friends and nothing to do. When I was home for winter break I was really bored.


I haven't started the chemistry part of my major yet and it scares me a bit. I am already up to Calculus 2 but have no chemistry credits. I am afraid that once I do take chemistry I will not like it as much as I did in high school and I will have wasted 3 semesters of college and have a bunch of math credit for nothing. Also, if I end up not liking chemistry as much as I thought I did, I have no back up plan. I have these huge goals and plans as of right now but most of the time I just think they are hopes and dreams in this fairytale life that I have. And of course it doesn't help when people tell me that there is already a cure for cancer. That just confuses the crap out of me. If there is a cure then why do people die from cancer so much? I just want to find a cure that people can use and live. No more death from cancer PERIOD. So please stop telling me that there is already a cure for cancer. And if people don't die from it anymore then please inform me and tell me. But from my knowledge there are still people dying from it. And if not cancer then other like diseases. I just want to make a change and an impact in this life. I don't want to be a person that does a job for money then dies. I want to be remembered by people and for people to say that I changed at least one person's life.


If I don't do chemistry I have thought about being a motivational speaker or something like that. I love leadership and I love giving advice and inspiring. I don't know how inspirational I would be but I would be willing to give it a try. And when I say inspirational I'm talking about changing the clicks in high schools and the judgment between people, etc. There was a show on MTV a while ago called "If You Really Knew Me." I don't know if that show actually changed the school's social experiences between students like it said it did but I want to do some sort of thing like that. I want to either speak at high schools or leadership conferences. Again, that's probably just some dream in the back of my head. I always see myself in a bigger light than what I will ever become.


Basically I think my life for the past month has been a huge game of "Expectations vs Reality" thing just like 500 days of summer. Maybe that's why I like that movie so much. Because I can actually relate? Who knows.

Well I definitely wrote a lot more than I anticipated but I'm glad I got a lot of it out. I would probably write a lot more but I don't know how many people and who actually reads this. But if you do read this, thanks for listening or reading I guess. It means something to me. Thanks to my friends for being my friends. Thanks to God who is always by my side no matter what decisions I make.


Sorry if I'm not around as much as usual or if I'm in a poopy mood...I do have my pills now which I think are making me extra tired but should, for the most part, put me in a better mood soon.