This (Broken) Weekend.

This past week was okay. It was the first week back and I got to hang out with a lot of my friends. Some people have surprised me this week and others not so much. (Don't try to figure out what that means because you are probably wrong) Well I don't want to talk about this past week. I shall focus on this weekend.


Friday was pretty average. I went to classes, worked out with Dani girl, showered, had dinner, went to the gymnastics meet which was fantastic, then went to see Mike Super the magician. Mike Super was pretty awesome and blew my mind. After that, me and kaleigh had plans but we were unfortunately forgotten apparently..or rather discarded. But that's fine..I guess.


I will stop right there and just make a little note that right now I have the following emotions running through me: sad, frustrated, mad, angry, confused, jealous, etc. So I don't mean to offend anyone or make anyone depressed by reading this. If you think that might happen to you by reading this, then you might want to stop here. It is your choice to proceed.


Anywho.... I think the rest of the night was just me, dani, boss and kaleigh talking about a bunch of stuff that needed to be released. At least for me. I love those girls <3


Saturday was a pretty relaxed day where people continued to surprise me. I woke up and took a shower then went over to Tyler's. Kaleigh and Ash came in a few minutes later and we finished watching Pearl Harbor and then watched Inception. After that we all hurried and got ready for the Unbirthday Birthday dance which everyone was looking forward to. To make this short, it wasn't totally sucky but it wasn't the best thing ever. We left about an hour early and went to get some Mcds. I got to bed around 2 AM.


Sunday morning I woke up at 5:45, got ready and was on the road heading towards my good friend Devin's mission farewell. We got there in perfect time. This little trip was C O M P L E T E L Y worth it. I got a very good spiritual experience out of it, as well as a hug from Devo for the last time. Devo gave his talk, (which was really good) made many people cry, and then we all journeyed over to his house. Only me and Kaleigh went over because the other girls had other missionaries to say goodbye to. It was pretty fun meeting all his friends from school and just enjoying his company. After we said our last goodbye to Elder Broadhead, me and Kaleigh had about an hour to spare. So we went to PETCO. They wouldn't let me hold the cat.... but we spent a good amount of time watching the mice try to get to the top of the spinning wheel. We then ate at In and Out with her parents then made the trek back to ol' Cedar City. We got home at about 7ish. Tyler jump started my car and me and Kaleigh drove around for a while. I then went upstairs, borrowed two books from some friends, and began my homework.

Here's where the broken comes in.

I had been behind a whole weeks worth of Calc 2 assignments because I haven't, and still don't have, a book. So I began. It started off rough and ended rough. Halfway through the first assignment I just broke down. I had been tearing up a little because of frustration but this was just a complete breakdown. I started thinking about everything: life, school, my future career, my friends, my life here at SUU, myself, others around me, etc. All my emotions just came out at once. I had to call or talk to someone. So I called the one person that will always be there for me: my mom. She didn't answer which I expected because she was asleep so I called the next best thing, my sister. I had started crying more by this point because I couldn't talk to my mom. It seems silly to cry over but what I was feeling was horrible and I just wanted my mom. My sister picked up and I told her what was on my mind at the moment. I told her that I was frustrated with school and how I don't think I can be a Chemistry major if I can't even get through the first assignment of Calc, which I have already taken. It was frustrating and I told her that if I decide that I'm not capable of being a Chem major then I have nowhere else to go, nothing else to do. There is no other major that I will enjoy that will be productive, change the world in some way, and make money. One of the (main) reasons I chose to be a chem major was because I could make a difference. I could actually put a little bit of Melissa in the world, while creating a life for myself that I enjoy. But tonight, my future just sort of flashed in front of me. What if I can't handle this major? What will I do then? Photography is my next big thing but that means making almost no money and making no important impact on the world in this lifetime. It is all so confusing. My sister just told me that if I want it bad enough, I will find a way for it to work. After I hung up with her I tried some calc again. I got through a few more problems but felt completely drained and I had to get everything out, which leaves me where I am right now, writing this.

There is much more to my breakdown than that. I just will never be able to spill it all out. 

In short, I wish Devin was here, to help me with Calc for one, and for two, for therapy. I could always tell him anything and he would somehow always know what to say to make me feel better. I'm sure he doesn't know this but I am very sad he is leaving. All that I can say is that he will make a great missionary and make the Lord proud. Now i'm thinking about his talk and it's making me cry again. Way to go Melissa...

Alright.

My go to song for feeling like this is of course Iris. All emotions wrapped in one song.

"I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand."

Tada. The end. Thank you for reading, listening or not.