I wish I could really say what I want to.
Coming down here back to the valley meant many things: working, seeing the two really good friends I have, eating mexican food, and seeing family. It also meant crowded malls with everyone coming from mexico, bored, not hanging out with those friends, lots of computer time and lots of just wishing I was back in Cedar. I feel so much less important and visible down here. Up in Cedar i'm always doing something with someone and down here I do nothing with no one. For example, on New Years Eve I will most likely sit in my living room and watch TV followed by a cheers with my sisters if they are home and me retiring early to my bed. But if I was in Cedar it would be a restless night of endless parties with all the close friends i've made. That's fine, it's what I expected.
Being home just reminds me how much grown up I am.....or how un-grown up my sister is. I just feel like I have so much responsibility when home. I can't really explain it and no one will really ever understand. My mom said that it was just my personality to grow up when I was younger but now I really don't like it. If I decide one day I want to actually act my age then everyone gets mad at me that I'm not doing something they think I should be doing. My dad asked me the other day "How is Janna (my sister) getting home?" as if I was the mother. It just pisses me off sometimes how everyone around here expects me to be the second mother and pick up everyone else's slack. I might sound like i'm overreacting but I'm not this time. I'm finally getting fed up with it.
I can't wait to go back to my new best friends and just party it up and actually be my age again. It's fun having no worries for a little bit. I only have about a year and four months left of being a teenager and I want to soak it up. I don't want to come home for the summer because that just means me sitting at home doing nothing except fighting with my sisters over responsibility. Instead, I'd like to live at my grandma's house in Utah and find a full time job. Hopefully I can find someone to live with me and get my grandma's approval to do this. Then it would be like the college life with no school. How great is that? Of course things don't ever work out the way you want them to. If I have to come home for a few weeks, that's fine, at least I'll have my cats : )
I thought this winter break was going to be full of relaxation, fun and no stress. For the most part that's what it is...but there still seems to be stress. I think that might just be my personality though, which sucks. I don't really know why i'm stressed though. Perhaps i'm stressed because I am thinking about the future. The future consisting of going back to school, dating, marriage, and life. I think about these things often. A lot of the time I feel like I am 25 and not 18. And then I have to remind myself "oh....I....am 18?" It's a strange thought because I feel so much older. I think that is why I am so scared of not getting married ever. Then i just remind myself that i am 18 and I don't even need to think about that for many years. I just need to be young right now. Yes. Y O U N G. From now on I'm going to act my age, take chances, do what I want. Specifically with boys and dating. If I want to ask a guy on a date, weather it be just friends or I want it to be more, I'm just going to ask them and get over it. I'm tired of the fear and the waiting. Fear of rejection in the future and the waiting for them to make a move. The past few weeks I've kind of just re wired my brain into thinking that nothing is going to happen if I don't take chances. That once chance or risk I take, could lead to the best thing that will happen to me in this life. No one knows what could happen so why not take a chance and see? Why not say "oh well" instead of "what if?"I'm tired of wondering "what if" or what could have been....
Oh there is so much more.
But i'll spare you, if you have gotten this far. Whoever did read this, thank you. Sometimes I feel invisible. As if everything I say and do goes unnoticed. It isn't a good feeling. I expect that no one will actually read all of this so no big deal.
Another post will probably come shortly after this because I still feel as if I didn't get everything out. Have a lovely night.
Take me back to Cedar.
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